It feels like ages since I’ve made a proper blog post, but from what happened last night, I think it’s time for a little catharsis.
After yesterday’s class (Wednesday is the most stressful day for us JD-I students, because it’s when we have our most stressful classes – Criminal Law, and Statutory Construction. For StatCon, our section was split into two, and the Section B.. let’s just say we’re not too fond of our professor but we try to stick it out anyway for grades’ sake.), some of my classmates and I headed out to El Amigo since it was a classmate’s birthday (hi, Lala!) and she treated us to drinks. After some of our companions had left, there were only around 6 of us who stayed and chatted. I just pretty much kept quiet and drank quietly while listening to the conversations.
All of a sudden, one of them looked at me and said that I’m not being spontaneous.
Another one chimed in and said that I wasn’t the same Yani that I was before.
I just chalked it up to being sick, as my allergies have been pretty much rampant; always getting triggered again as soon as I’ve recovered from the last attack.
But they still said no, and they asked me what’s bothering me, what’s on my mind.
I tried to dig up from my thoughts what was going on in them.. and I just said that I’m worried about the expectations that people have for me, more specifically, what my dad expects from me.
They still didn’t buy it. They said that from how I talked, they’d know if what I was saying was really was bothering me.
That if anything was bothering me, I should just tell them; and that I can trust them to not spread or blab about it to anyone else.
The problem is, I didn’t know what exactly was muddling my mind so much.
I don’t like being confronted, and I don’t like being cornered about those kind of topics.. it upsets me quite easily.
I don’t even remember what I exactly said anymore, but I do remember that after I said it, I teared up. I don’t like crying in front of people, especially classmates that I still don’t know very well even after a few months of being classmates.
Soon after that, I left with a classmate, who also happens to be in somewhat the same boat as I am because she also transferred from Manila. (She transferred previously to Manila from her home province, but she stayed in Manila for her undergrad years and for a semester of law school.) Craving for something sweet, we headed to The Bean Connection at the Portal West building. While we walked towards the cafe, I opened up to her about what had happened in El Amigo.
I finally figured out what had been bothering me all this time:
It’s that I still don’t feel comfortable here in Dumaguete.
I’m far from my friends, I’m far from my family (well, my dad and older sister, whom I have gotten closer to in the past year or so, somehow), and I’m far from everything I was used to. I’m far from the places I feel at home with, from the people who know who I am and what my quirks are, and just from the environment that I had grown up in and seen evolve for the past 20+ years.
Couple that with the rigors and stresses of law school, and you have a natural recipe for internal disaster.
Over a Tres Leches cupcake for her and a chocolate chip cookie for me, I opened up more about my life back in Manila. I told her about how, through a series of events, I met my college best friend Ate Trinna, and how close we were while in school. I told her about how I always felt like the black sheep of the family, always getting myself into trouble and seemingly rebelling against my parents. I also told her how I realized too late, when my mom died, about how much she really cared about me even if all I did was make her life difficult.
I also told her about how I didn’t seem to know what I liked anymore, what I was passionate about. That with all the time spent doing what I have to do for classes and for school, that I don’t even have time to spend with myself anymore, doing things that I am passionate about (which I don’t know anymore) and doing things that I like to do.
I really miss home.
I really miss Manila.
I really miss Papa and Ate Imee and Rocko and Splinter.
I really miss all my friends.
I really miss my life there.
And I miss being me.